I will try and write the highlights of the last 24+ hours since Joey’s passing. There has been more said between me and my animals and more experiences though these are the ones that are coming to mind just now. Thank you all for caring.
The day before Joey passed Luca said, “What is the big deal if Joey dies? He will be a wind being.” When I brought Joey’s body home Luca asked, “Why wont he wake up? I want him to wake up.” I told him Joey is a wind being now. Luca was silent.
Later Storm asked me, “We all die dont we? I know Joey is happy cause I feel him happy but I am sad to have him gone. He was here when I first came to you. I have always known him.”
Makia had me cut a piece of her fur to put in Joey’s grave. Makia said today, “If I was a human I would cry. Why don’t cats have tears?” Later she said, “It is so empty with out Joey but I feel him grooming me sometimes and then I feel a warm feeling all around me. I even see him out of the corner of my eye. I miss him.”
Joey had asked me to put some catnip from the plant out front and Serafina’s favorite rainbow catnip toy in the grave with him. She hugged the toy for ten minutes before it went with Joey. Serafina said after Joey died, “I saw his spirit fly to heaven and it seemed so high that only a little stream of light was connected to his body and than that was gone. It left me feeling loved and sad all in one.” Today she says, “I dont know what to do with myself. I go to find him and then I realize he is not there. I feel him grooming me and telling me he loves me then I feel a deep pain in my chest. I feel him lying next to me sometimes then I just feel empty inside.”
Bean asked me to put one of her bunny treats in Joey’s grave with him. Bean says, “It seems like friends die when you are not ready for them to go. I feel him sleeping in here with me and I feel all the memories of him deep inside of me. I think he is telling them to me.”
Maia in heaven now says, “I am taking good care of Joey. I greeted him and there is only part of my soul in heaven because the rest of my soul is in Luca. I am more concentrated on earth now. But I was there to welcome him and to love him and I will be with him when ever he needs me. I am integrating more with Luca and soon Luca will have memories of his life as me. There is so much to say. But I want you to know Joey is well and he’s not suffering and he is well taken care of by so many here. He is not lonely. He is in love and good company.”
Yesterday, I felt Joey strong. Pretty much every moment I heard him say, “I love you. I am ok. You were such a good mom. I am with lala and Juliette. I am well.” Often I would have the feeling of him on my lap or snuggling next to me. The feeling of him being close was strong.
My friend Jim was over for dinner last night and I noticed that there was something in the hallway. I asked what it was and Jim said Luca was playing with it. It turned out to be a candle holder Luca took out of the closet. Just when I thought I better light a candle for Joey a text came through from a friend who said she just lit a candle for Joey. I took it as sign. At bed time I lit the candle and it stayed lit till 4am. I felt Joey with me all night. Right before the candle went out Serafina and Makia came to bed. We talked about Joey and when the candle burned out we all felt him leave.
Today, he is much more distant. This is to be expected. I hear him softly and when I ask him what he is doing and if he is ok he sends me images and feelings of moments in his life. Snuggling with his paw in my hand, the ripples from the soft breeze of the lakes we lived on, the sound of falling leaves, the feeling of chasing chipmunks in the east coast rock walls, lying next to a fireplace, catching lizards or hearing the bamboo move in the wind. This is where is. In the essence of all his life.
I have always thought that Joey was a reincarnation of my child hood dog Jinx. Right before Joey’s passing my mother texted me a photo of their puppy Ziggy sleeping. I thought It was Jinx and took it as sign. He tells me yesterday it is true. We had lessons we needed to complete together. I ask him if he died because our puppy, Luca is too much. He assures me this is not the case and we are lucky to have this past year. He almost died the week after Maia and Dr. Han saved him with herbs.
I know that Joey is well and he is in a good place. But I miss him terribly. My experience with Maia not being happy in heaven has made me a little fearful for all the pets I know that have to leave us. Some of them bring their suffering with them or miss us on earth and want to make their way back quickly. This is ok because my work helps with this but the feeling that my animal would be in the predicament makes me heartbroken. Though I should say most animals are in bliss.
I asked Joey if he will come back to me. After one day this I know and tell clients it is way too soon to really know and the answer can change in any amount of time, but now Joey says he wants me to rest. I have five animals in my small house and it feels empty with out him. Though I feel him and have even more signs he is around. A child calls to his friend Joey outside my window. I cry and a lady bug appears on my chest.
I want to change the sheets on the bed but I hear over and over how animals mourn when the smell of the deceased disappears from the house. Makia told me today, “I even smell him mom. I even smell him. His spirit comes to me with a smell.” Where ever Joey is, he is in a good place. A place with no sadness and he is no longer suffering. In the days to come we will have more contact with him. I dont want to bother him but I dont want to abandon him either. People will say you can never abandon them when they are in heaven but that is not necessarily so. The more we love them, remember them and live in joy ourselves for them the more they grow on the other side. Maia was stuck in a dark place once. That is not something I want to happen to Joey. (though it turned out that is when Luca was in the womb. That is for another post – reincarnation and consciousness.)
I know it must be easier for me because I can hear them on the other-side. But I am human and I still miss my sweet Joey in body. (and the others…)
Thank you to all that have prayed for Joey. So many people felt him speaking back to the them the day before he died. I know all your prayers helped open the gates of heaven.
Thank you Caroline for being our good friend and opening up your pet cemetery to us.
Thank you Anna and your husband for digging Joey’s grave next to Maia and for helping me pile up the rocks.
Thank you Jim and Dr. Otto for giving me support and being present when I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends. Thank Dr. Otto for being the best veterinarian and for saying I am a good mom. That meant the world to me.
This past year, Maia, Joey, five good friends (Chris, Kay, Jere, Donna, Josie) and my grandfather and my grandmother not long before all transitioned to heaven. May they all reside in love and joy and shine it down upon us.