so much for being consistent on my daily blogging. Sorry readers, I will try to be better. There will be more to come on the Ojai Aliso St bear. My thoughts have not yet formulated.
I have been sick for the better part of the week. The kind of sick were I lie in bed wishing I could stay there all day. I heard my friends voice over and over in my head. “pretend like your not sick and get to work. if you nurture someone else (the animals) you in turn will be nurtured” I ho hummed and then thought about my sister and my friends who have children and dont have the luxury of being sick. So I would rise out of bed and wonder if my sickness would make my ability to communicate with the animals more dull. I would listen and wonder if I was listening through a fog. But I amazed myself. It didnt get much duller, maybe a bit, but I still heard them. I was still helpful in ways I didnt expect and I thought there must be some thing to “nurturing someone else and you in turn will be nurtured.”
Today I got angry. I am not an angry person. Maybe there was a time in my past where I voiced my anger in unhealthy ways. One time in particular, in my early twenties, I threw green tea at my boyfriend for calling me a foul name and it stained the hallway wall. Every time, I walked by it I remembered the feeling of flinging liquid down the hall. It was actually was a good feeling at the time, but I shocked myself that I lost control. That was a long time ago. I just dont have it in me anymore.
Anyway today, I was angry and I took it out with a blue sharpie in my journal. I swore in my notebook and talked trash to the universe. I was in the mountains at the time. At a place I call Bear Haven. It is in a canyon that runs to a mountain called Chief Peak. There is a river that is flowing there now and an avocado orchard with an enormous amount of bear poop. Every time I am there, I know I am being watched by three or four bears. My dogs were with me. They always are. I go there because it is close to town and extremely secluded. My wolf dog can run off leash and I can let everything out and the mountains and the breeze can disperse my emotions. There is beautiful view of the valley there and it just seems a bit easier to breath. So I screamed with my sharpie, I complained, I pointed the finger, I argued, and resisted letting go. The pages of my notebook held strong with out a bruise.
and then out of no where a chocolate lab came bounding down the mountain, leaping towards my dogs. I ran for Maia, my wolfdog, grabbing hold of her harness before she could set herself in motion to instinctively kill the intruder. She’s older so I didnt have to run that fast. I didnt hit the ground and be dragged like the old days. She stood still and looked at me confused. Storm my Aussie said hello to the lab. The lab tried to approach Maia. That is a no no. Storm told him “no, you must go she will hurt you.” Maia lunged and barked. I breathed and was thankful that she was older and easier to handle. The lab said “I just want to be her friend”
“It’s not going to happen” Storm and I said to the Lab. Maia barked and lunged. “I dont believe you” he said sticking his nose up Maia’s butt. Maia couldnt see him. Her eyes are too bad. I breathed. She tried to whirl and bite, but I held her still. “Go away.” I said annoyingly to the lab. Storm nipped the air in front of him, “we are serious. stay away from her” he said.
“I just want to be her friend.” the lab was persistent. He stood quiet in front of Maia, licking his mouth and reaching his muzzle to Maia’s face. Maia fell silent, shocked she was so close to another dog. “i can be her friend” the lab said. Maia was quiet. “See” the lab said and he stood there as I put Maia in the car. “come here” I said the lab. “that’s dangerous what you did. you have to be careful. she could of hurt you.”
“why is she dangerous?” He asked. I told him she was half wild and had a rough beginning.
“I am her friend.” He said. Storm stood there smiling at him. Maia hung her head out the window. The lab trotted away. And I stood thinking with Storm by my side and Maia in the car. I realized Maia was angry. She had been unsettled. I held her calmly. Supported her as she whirled and there was an outsider that believed in friendship, persistent calmness. And I wondered if spirit was trying to tell me something. I can be angry I thought. I can whirl and bite and nip and there will always be a presence that has unconditional love. When I am done perhaps I will realize my angry and my fears where just outbursts and I will be left with peace and wonderment inside.